I have been rather absent haven’t I! Sorry about that. My mother always said if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all, and I haven’t been in a terribly positive place of late, which makes writing hard, and writing something that isn’t all doom and gloom near impossible.
But that is not to say there isn’t anything to write about, there really is, and I promise I will try and get caught up. Last week I received a lovely email that amongst other things said “I have enjoyed reading your blog, and wonder how you find time to post so regularly! I admire the self-discipline required” (if you are reading, I tried emailing you back and got delivery failure messages) and another friend messaged me commenting that they missed my blog posts. It is so nice to know that I am not just talking to myself!
But for all I have started this post apologizing for my absence and then told you how much I appreciate you, this post is to let you know that I may be absent for a while longer.
When I left England I didn’t think anyone cared or would notice if I moved 3000 miles away. I didn’t think I would miss people all that much, I didn’t see them that often after all. But as time has passed here I have realized how utterly ridiculous that was, and how that thinking was completely coloured by my depression. Typically as Christmas rolls around the distance seems further, but this year is different.
Steve and I are having problems. Things are amicable. But I am not sure if they are resolvable. Which leaves me feeling very lonely and when you are in trouble who do you turn to but your family, and the friends that are as close as family.
I love my farm and my animals. I love this beautiful countryside, I love the friends I have made here and the lessons I have learnt. Most of all I am grateful that I have been able to find me, and figure out who I am and want to be. But I have started to wonder if I am on the wrong side of the ocean.
So next Tuesday I am going home. On my own. For five weeks. I agonized over the decision, but I need to go home and be with those people. I need to be able to go to the pub, have a couple of pints and set the world to rights.
Steve can not be away from work for that long, but may fly out for Christmas, if we can get all the critters cared for.
I know everything will work out for the best in the end. Right now I feel like I am at a crossroads and am just not sure which is my ‘best foot’ to be putting forward.