Flicker’s Lair Blog

Bleak & colourless

by Heidi on June 19th, 2009
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I am still not sure about publishing this, and must warn that it is not the normal type of post. It really is like the title suggests. Steve said to me that if this is the only way that I can find to reach out and to start the conversation that I should publish it.

Depression leaches all of the colour out of the world.

Things that I ‘know’ I enjoy seem like chores, and everything seems to need more energy than I can muster. I lose time. I don’t achieve even the simplest of things and then I feel guilty that I didn’t get it done.

The lower I get the worse my communication skills. I don’t want to write this, I don’t know if I will publish it. I feel guilty just thinking about the possibility of making other people feel bad, if, they read this. But I write it because I don’t want to be sick, and following the theory of ‘the same actions lead to the same results’ maybe trying something different will make a difference. And maybe it will help someone else, in the past it has helped me to know I am not alone, but people don’t like to talk about depression.

Depression has such a stigma, people don’t want to hear about it, and often consider it just to be an attention seeking put-on. I wish! I don’t want to wake up in the morning wishing I could just stay asleep forever. I don’t want to look at my task list that contains things that I ‘know’ should be enjoyable, like taking pictures of my beautiful lambs, and just see a long list of chores.

Some days – my worst days – I wonder why I have to be here, and wish I wasn’t. I can’t do anything about it because I couldn’t do that to Steve. There’s a blog I read of a woman who is fighting cancer, and she is fighting so hard, and I think, if it was me I wouldn’t put myself through all that awful treatment and it wouldn’t be my fault when I could finally give up the fight. Then I feel so guilty at what I have when there are these people that are fighting so hard every day just to stay alive.

My doctor once described depression to me as an illness like Asthma, it can be controlled, managed, lived with, but it can not be cured. Unfortunately most people don’t see it this way, they see it as weakness, as a put-on and think you should just ‘snap out of it’. If only. Would you say to someone having an asthma attack ‘come on just breathe normally, don’t make such a production of it’?

Right now, right here, I ‘know’ that I have everything. I have my husband who I love, who loves me. We have our furry family, and they are all healthy and happy. We have our home, our beautiful perfect heavenly place, with the lifestyle that we want, and food for our table. We have friends, people who actually want to come to our home, consider our home a relaxing therapeutic place to be.

But I cry for no reason, and an evening spent with friends, is an evening putting on a front, pretending there is nothing wrong, and then worrying that I was a hopeless hostess and lousy company. I am tired and sad and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been sinking for a while, and things have reached a point recently that we decided that it would likely be better if I started taking St Johns Wort again. We had looked a couple of times when out grocery shopping, but it is so expensive and so had put it off. I also feel like a failure that I need to be medicated again, but when I said this to a friend the other day, she told me to stop being an idiot and take my medicine.

Native Remedies The Natural Choice

Then, with one of those strange quirks of timing, I happened to find the Native Remedies website. I have ordered their MindSoothe and now wait for it to arrive.

I love to know what you think so please rate my post or leave me a comment. If you really liked this post maybe you would consider sharing it. Thank you.

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  1. Heidi, I think it’s really brave of you to talk about how you are feeling. and I think it’s really important to talk opening too!
    Depression is a really difficult problem to deal with and I agree that you should be taking your medication – it’s really important to take care of yourself because we all want you to be as well as you can so we can all truly enjoy “chick-therapy” with baby quail and ducks or petting the softest lamb ever for many many years!

    Comment by Emily — June 21, 2009 @ 7:50 pm

  2. Just some information I learned years ago in an article by a general practitioner who has sort of made depression his specialty. He talked about the three main neurotransmitters, what makes their levels drop, and which ones drop most frequently in men vs. women. He stated that St. Johns Wort helps elevate the levels of the neurotransmitter most commonly affected in men, so it rarely helps women. The natural remedy for low seratonin, the neurotrasmitter most commonly affected in women, is found in an African shrub and isolated as the product 5-HTP. It is a natural precursor of seratonin, so your body can make more (vs. Prozac and related pharmaceuticals, which are seratonin uptake-inhibitors). I have been on 5-HTP for over seven years, and it has helped me a great deal. I buy it through Swanson Health Products, and take 50 mg/day. Maybe it would help you, too. Lots of us empathize!

    Comment by Michelle — June 22, 2009 @ 8:16 pm

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